Lost Sparkle
by Risknight
Summary: Sheldon grows concerned when he notices some changes in Penny's behavior. She's lost that sparkle in her eyes. She's hanging around Howard way too much. And worst of all, she's avoiding him. Major character death. (Sorry I forgot to warn at first!)


**Darkly Dreaming reviewed my last story's final chapter with the words "WOOT! NO MORE PAIN!". I accepted her challenge and came up with this one. *evil laugh***

* * *

The first thing he ever noticed about her was her eyes. She had been unpacking some books, her eyes scanning the spines. A deep forest green, fringed by long lashes. They sparkled all the time, whether from humor or anger. It was a certainty that if you looked into Penny's eyes, they would be sparkling.

At least, they used to. Lately though, she had lost that sparkle. He didn't know why it was gone, or how to get it back, and that worried him. For almost a month he had tried to find a way to ask her what was wrong, but she avoided being alone with him.

Amy had scoffed when he had expressed his concerns to her. She said Penny was the same 'vivacious, effervescent beauty' she had always been. He tried talking to Leonard, but his roommate was too busy re-establishing his relationship with Dr. Barnett. They had attended the same lecture and quickly became involved again.

Sheldon had an eidetic memory. Why would any of them doubt his ability to notice change? Penny was slowly but systematically retreating from him.

**XXX****XXX**

Sheldon looked over his journals while the others made their final preparations for their outing. Cal-Tech was having their annual Octoberfest Extravaganza. Carnival games, rides, even a haunted maze. He had no intention of attending, despite Amy's disappointment. He had no time for spooky rides or cotton candy. He had to figure out what was wrong with Penny.

The front door opened and the object of his musings walked in. He watched her look everywhere but at him. "Hey, Leonard. You said you wanted to borrow my gun holster?"

He stepped around the table and nodded. "Yeah. Stephanie and I are going as an old west sheriff and saloon girl. Whatta ya think?" he asked, showing off his chaps and cowboy hat.

Penny smiled vaguely. "Lookin' good," she said as she handed over the holster.

Amy hurried over, in her Raggedy Ann costume. "Penny, are you sure you won't go with us? It will be a lot of fun."

Penny shook her head. "No, Amy. I don't think so."

Anger burned through him at her reply. Not because she said no, but because of _how_ she said it. Her eyes had flickered to him. Just for a split second, but that gesture spoke volumes. She had looked at him and said no.

Amy looked sadly at Penny. "Sheldon doesn't want to go either," she sighed.

His hands clenched a Penny's eyes flicked toward him once again. "Sheldon's staying here?" Amy nodded and reached up to adjust her wig. Penny seemed to relax slightly. "Well, I suppose I could go keep you company."

Amy smiled widely and threw her arms around Penny happily. If he had not witnessed it with his own eyes, he would not have believed what happened next. Penny froze with panic. He watched her eyes widen quickly, and the pulse at the base of her neck began to throb at an alarming rate. Before he could even begin to think about what it meant, Howard was suddenly by Penny's side. He swiftly distracted Amy by telling her Bernadette wished to discuss some wedding arrangements.

As soon as she turned away, Howard leaned in close to Penny. He whispered in her ear, the words too low for even his ears to pick up. Sheldon watched with narrow eyes as Howard gently rubbed Penny's arm. Slowly she began to relax. After almost a minute, Penny looked at Howard with gratitude. What the hell was going on?

**XXX****XXX**

He kept his focus on her as they roamed the campus. Their friends had been surprised when he had followed them out of the apartment. When Howard questioned him about why he had changed his mind, he reminded them he had not said he would not attend. Just that he didn't see the point in attending.

He had hoped to ride in Penny's car, but as soon as they reached the garage, Penny had slipped into the back of Bernadette's car, pulling Raj in beside her. Once they arrived at the campus, Penny had stayed right by Howard's side.

She sat beside him on a bench while they ate funnel cakes. She stood beside him when they watched Leonard try to win a gorilla plush at a dart game. She even stayed right by his side when some of Howard's co-workers stopped him and Bernadette to chat. In fact, it wasn't until they got to the "haunted" Throop Memorial Garden that she and Howard were separated.

As they drew near the area, Sheldon quickly assessed the situation. The participants were being paired off by attendants to enter at various points along the large wooden wall they had erected. Sheldon surreptitiously maneuvered Raj between Amy and himself, which would pair them together, and leave him and Penny as a pair. When the attendant matched them up, Penny looked at Howard worriedly. His eyes narrowed when Howard leaned close.

"Penny, do you want to switch with me?" he whispered. "You and Bernie could go through together."

Bernadette gripped Howard's arm swiftly. Sheldon realized then that she too had noticed something was going on between Howard and Penny, and she was not happy about it. "Howie! I might get scared and need a big strong man to protect me!"

Leonard snorted on the other side of Bernadette. "You'd be safer with Penny." Raj, Amy and Stephanie snickered, unaware of the drama playing out around them. Penny drew in a shaky breath that only he heard.

"I'm fine being paired with Sheldon for this," she assured Howard. Sheldon found that phrasing odd. "See you on the other side." The attendant lined them all up at entrances several yards apart and they walked into the dark garden.

For the first few minutes they walked silently along the narrow path. He was quick to notice that Penny kept as much distance between them as the path would allow. They were just passing a few bushes when animatronic hands sprang out of the bushes. Penny scuttled away from them, but jumped when she felt Sheldon's hand on her elbow. Sheldon tightened his grip. This was ridiculous!

"Penny, wait," he demanded when she tried to pull away. "What have I done to offend you so badly? I would never intentionally harm you, yet you act as if you fear me."

Penny looked away and her voice cracked slightly as she answered. "I'm fine."

Sheldon stepped closer, anger and concern bleeding into his voice. "No, you are not. You avoid me. You look at me as if I scare you. I want to know why. I cannot mend this if I do not know what is wrong!"

A large rubber bat with glowing eyes swooped down over them, making Penny jerk backwards. Sheldon instinctively tried to steady her, but they overbalanced and landed in a heap on the ground. Sheldon found himself staring down into deep, dark pupils. Her eyes held only the slightest ring of hazel iris. Blood rushed to his face when he noticed their pelvises were pressed together.

He opened his mouth to apologize but the words died in his throat. He could see her spreading blush, feel her sharp breaths, hear her rapid, thudding heart beat. Desire. Penny was exhibiting all the signs of sexual arousal. His eyes widened with shock. So that was the answer! Penny was attracted to him!

His own pulse sped up and he tensed over her. Penny must have felt his entire body stiffen because suddenly she began to struggle. She bucked him off with relative ease, sending him rolling into a pile of leaves. By the time he regained his footing, she was gone. Slowly he picked up the flashlight the attendant had given him and he started back down the path. He was so lost in his thoughts that he barely registered the various ghouls, ghosts and phantoms that jumped out at him.

When he reached the exit, he found the others clustered together, waiting for him. All except Penny. When he asked where Penny was, Amy sighed. "Penny said she had a headache and asked one of the attendants to get her a cab. She left word for us to have fun and she would see us tomorrow."

Sheldon couldn't help noticing the glare Howard sent him, or the worry in Bernadette's expression as she watched her fiancée.

**XXX****XXX**

Monday morning Sheldon and Leonard arrived at work, and he immediately made his way to Howard's lab. The engineer didn't look surprised to see him, just resigned. Sheldon closed the door and clasped his hands behind his back.

"Howard, something is wrong with Penny. I want you to tell me what it is," he said stiffly.

Howard sighed and turned back to the laser he was working on. "No."

His eyebrows rose at the terse answer. "Fine. I'll tell you."

That got his treasured acquaintance's attention. "You know?" he asked in a hushed tone.

"Penny is attracted to me," Sheldon said confidently. "There was an incident last night in the garden that put Penny and I in a somewhat intimate position. Her pulse rate increased, skin became flushed, pupils dilated, breathing became rapid and shallow. All signs of sexual arousal."

Howard sighed and took off his safety goggles. His expression was so downcast that Sheldon felt a chill spread over him. "Can you think of any other reason a person may have those same symptoms?"

Sheldon frowned. "Fear or drug use." Sheldon twitched slightly. "Are you saying Penny is an addict?"

Howard stood and opened the door to his lab. "I'm not saying anything, Sheldon. Now, I have work to do. I'll see you at lunch."

Sheldon slowly left the lab and walked to his office. It couldn't be drugs. Why would Penny fear him, he asked himself worriedly. He was incapable of harming her!

**XXX****XXX**

Penny worked Monday night, so they didn't see her until Tuesday night when they went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. The group was just sitting down when she approached. Sheldon studied her closely, even though she wouldn't look at him. Dark circles marred her face, and she was too pale. Sheldon wasn't the only one to notice either. Everyone looked at her curiously, except Howard. He reached out to lightly pat her hand and she smiled slightly at him. Sheldon was certain of two things right then. Howard definitely knew what was going on with Penny. And he was upset that Penny had apparently confided in Howard and not him.

Wednesday they were coming up the stairs as Penny was going down. Leonard looked at her with concern. "Penny, it's HALO night. Are you joining us?"

Penny shook her head without looking at either of them. "One of the bartenders is sick, so I'm going in to cover for him."

Sheldon edged closer and her eyes shot to him in alarm. Before he could say anything, Penny mumbled a goodbye and scurried down the stairs. Leonard and Sheldon exchanged worried looks. "Okay," Leonard said. "I'll just say it. What the hell is going on, Sheldon? Why is Penny so skittish around you?"

Sheldon straightened his back. "I don't know. But I know who does."

**XXX****XXX**

Howard felt an impending sense of doom the moment he walked into 4A. Raj, Amy and Sheldon were sitting on the couch. Bernadette was sitting on the armchair. Leonard was sitting on the kitchen chair beside her.

"Am I late?" he joked.

Sheldon pointed to the wooden chair facing them. "Please sit," he said firmly. "We would like to discuss something with you."

Howard sighed heavily and shook his head. "Don't. I know what you want to talk about, but I'll save us all a bunch of time. I won't discuss Penny. If she wanted any of you to know anything, she would tell you herself."

"She told you," Amy pointed out stiffly. "Why would she tell you and not me? I'm her best friend."

Howard shook his head, his lips sealed tightly. Bernadette walked over, her eyes teary.

"Howie, are you and Penny…together?"

"No!" Howard said, grabbing her hands in his. "God,no, Bernie! It's just…" he closed his eyes and took a breath. "Look, Penny turned to me for help, and I'm doing my best for her. That includes not talking about it. I promised her. I swear it's not what you think!"

"Howard, you're going to have to give me more than that," Bernadette said, pulling her hands free. "I love you, but you've lied to me before. This is more than you just doing a favor for Penny. You two text all the time. You call her every night. When we are all together, you two are practically fused at the hip."

Howard looked at his friends and then back to Bernadette. He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on her lips. "You're going to have to decide," he said softly. "Either you trust me, or you don't."

He waited several seconds but no one said anything. He gave them a sad smile as his shoulders slumped. He turned to the door and reached out to open it. Bernadette grabbed his arm quickly.

"No! Wait, Howie!" Bernadette took a deep breath. "I trust you," she whispered. "It's just that we're worried about Penny."

Howard hugged her close. "Me, too," he whispered in her hair.

He watched Howard's eyes flickered toward him as he hugged his fiancée. If he hadn't been watching so closely, he would have missed the confusing mix of pity and anger in Howard's expression.

**XXX****XXX**

It was Anything Can Happen Thursday, but this one was special. Over the course of three weeks it had been planned down to the very last detail. It was Thanksgiving and the group was spending it together. Sheldon was just pulling the turkey out of the oven when Amy walked in alone.

"Where is Penny?" he asked calmly. Penny had been frequently absent lately, claiming a busy work load, and the five day trip she took home to see her family.

Amy sighed. "She said she is not feeling well, and would be over later."

"Right," Sheldon growled, making everyone look at him nervously. Howard stood but a glare from Sheldon made him keep quiet. He had finally had enough. He stormed across the hall and raised his fist.

**KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! **"Penny!"

**KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! **"Penny!"

**KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! **"Penny, open this door NOW!"

The door opened and he looked down at the woman he considered his true best friend. "Dinner is ready," he said firmly. "Come eat now."

Penny shook her head wearily. "Not right now, Sheldon. I don't feel hungry. I just want to get some rest."

Sheldon's hand shot out to stop her from shutting the door. "We have planned this dinner for weeks. It is time to eat. Now."

Penny flinched and looked away. "I don't feel like it, okay?"

Then Sheldon made a huge mistake. He grabbed her wrist. "I am expecting you to join us," he bit out loudly.

No one could have predicted her reaction. Suddenly Penny erupted. She shoved Sheldon hard enough to knock him back a few feet.

"**Fuck you!"** Penny screamed. Her eyes were wild and unfocused. **"You don't own me!" **Penny's hands slapped at the hand Sheldon had managed to keep on her wrist. **"Why can't you leave me alone?!"** she sobbed. **"I hate you!"**

All of a sudden Howard was between them. He pushed away Sheldon's hand and grabbed Penny in a tight hug. "Stop it!" he said firmly. He pulled her in tight against him and started whispering in her ear. Sheldon could barely make out the soft words he murmured. "Relax", "it's okay", "your friends", and "calm down" were repeated often. Tears poured down Penny's face and her breathing was loud and labored.

Howard didn't turn away from her, but he spoke over his shoulder. "Raj! Black case under the sink! Now!"

Howard maneuvered Penny back into her apartment, her eyes shut tight against his shoulder. Everyone followed a few feet behind them, watching Howard coax her into her bedroom and up onto the bed. Raj brought a small zippered case, and Howard held out a hand. Stephanie grabbed it first and opened it up. Her eyes widened and she looked at him with alarm.

"4mg," he said firmly. When Stephanie hesitated he made to take the case. Stephanie shook her head and drew out the dose. Howard pulled Penny's collar down and to the side, revealing a raised, circular bump on her chest. Stephanie quickly double checked the dose, tapped the needle and administered the dose.

It didn't take long for Penny's harsh sobs to begin dying down. Sheldon stood in the bedroom doorway, hands clenched tight by his side. Penny's eyes found him and she flinched slightly. She looked back at Howard with empty eyes. "Explain it," she whispered between sniffles.

Howard looked at her worriedly. "Are you sure?"

Penny closed her eyes and nodded. "I hurt him," she whispered. "Because I was too scared to tell him." Her head began to loll to the side, and she hiccupped. "Love you all."

Howard tucked a blanket around her and led them all out of the room. He took the kit from Stephanie and walked to the kitchen. He pulled a Sharps disposal jug from under the sink and dropped the needle into it. Bernadette approached him slowly.

"Howie?"

"Ever wonder why Penny never did much planning? Why she lived day to day, not worrying too much about the future.?" Howard sighed and put everything away.

"How long?" asked Stephanie. Everyone looked at her nervously and she shrugged. "I just administered 4mg of Levorphanol into the subcutaneous portacath of a 25 year old woman. The only reason a doctor would prescribe Levorphanol at such a high dose to a person this young is if it was a last resort. That drug is not a cure for anything. It's for pain management. Penny has cancer, doesn't she? Terminal cancer."

"Cervical cancer," Howard confirmed. "I took my mom to a doctor's appointment two months ago. We were in the waiting room when Penny came out. She didn't look to thrilled to see me, to be honest. But I started talking to her, mostly to keep Ma from going on about her corns. Suddenly Penny's knees buckled and she screamed. Two nurses rushed over, and we got her into a wheelchair. Her doctor rushed over and wheeled her down for a MRI. He let me go with her, thinking I was there with her to begin with."

"Will they operate?" Amy asked.

Howard shook his head. "It's spread beyond the cervix."

"What about chemo or radiation?" Leonard asked angrily.

Howard looked at everyone sadly. "The fact is, Penny is dying. Chemo and radiation can only delay it. She spent six of the last nine years in chemo treatments. She went into remission 3 years ago. She won't go through chemo again. Not when she knows it's practically useless."

Sheldon shook his head. "That does not add up. We have known Penny for five years."

"All those three day weekends, where she let us all think she was too hung over to do much?" Howard reminded them. "She was taking her treatments. She didn't want us to know. Especially you, Sheldon."

"Why Sheldon?" Stephanie asked with confusion.

Amy looked at her boyfriend with sudden clarity. "Mysophobia. With his germ phobias, he would have avoided her. He would have excluded her from his life."

Howard nodded. "Penny and I have done quite a bit of talking the last two months. I have been taking her to her doctor appointments, and she seemed to need to get a few things off her chest. Out of all of us, Sheldon is her favorite. She couldn't bear to lose him."

"If Sheldon is her favorite, why did she attack him?" Leonard asked with disbelief.

"She didn't," Bernadette said. "It was the cancer, and the drugs. Sheldon grabbed her wrist. One of the rarer side effects of that pain killer is mood swings. Pain, severe pain, can also cause mental delirium. Combine the two, and I'm surprised she doesn't snap more often."

Sheldon slowly sank down onto Penny's couch. "She thought I would stop being her friend?" he asked sadly. "Why would she think that? I would never abandon Penny."

Amy sat beside him and took his hand in hers. "Sheldon, do you…" she licked her lips nervously, "..do you love Penny?"

Sheldon's eyes widened. "Amy, it is not like that. Penny is my best friend. She is important to me. I …I don't want to lose her," he said brokenly.

Everyone jumped in shock when Raj quickly spun and punch Penny's wall. "It's not fair!" he yelled loudly. He sobbed twice, quickly. "It's just not fair," he whispered.

Bernadette wrapped her arms around Howard tightly. "We have to do something!" she cried.

Stephanie shook her head hesitantly. "She's not being treated. She's on pain management. Heavy duty pain management, and she's not being supervised. She has what? A month left?"

"Two weeks, on the outside," Howard answered. "But the way she's going through the drug, maybe only one week. She can barely get out of bed without it, she hurts so bad."

"What do we do?" Leonard asked hollowly.

Sheldon stood and walked to the bedroom. He sat down beside Penny and took a limp hand in his. "We do whatever she wants," he said resignedly.

**XXX****XXX**

Surprisingly, Sheldon was the one best equipped to deal. He was always the first to know when her pain was getting bad. In moments, he would be by her side, dose in hand. They all took time off from work to be with her. Movie marathons, sleep-overs, even French toast on Monday. The biggest surprise was that Sheldon insisted Penny sleep at 4A. He even gave up his own bed, sleeping on the couch. That way, if she needed her meds in the middle of the night, he and Leonard were on hand.

Sheldon yawned and pushed off the blanket. It was 6:10 am, and Penny had a checkup at 8 am. She was tired of doctor visits, but they wanted to keep a close eye on her cancer, so she was going in for another MRI today. He walked back to his bedroom and leaned over to wake her up. A chill stole over him and he felt his chest grow tight. He gently brushed a strand of hair from her lips. He knew he shouldn't be surprised by the coolness of her skin, but he was.

He should get Leonard. He need to notify someone. Sheldon bent over her still form and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek. He whispered a soft goodbye into her ear and stood up. He walked the rest of the way down the hall to Leonard's room. He didn't bother knocking. He wasn't capable of normality. He just opened the door and stepped over to the bed.

The sound must have woken up Stephanie because she sat up sleepily and turned on the bedside lamp. She looked at Sheldon and paled. She reached out and gently shook Leonard awake.

Leonard groaned and sat up. "What is it?" he mumbled. He looked at Sheldon and the blood drained from his face. Sheldon dropped to his knees beside the bed and threw his arms around Leonard's waist.

Stephanie wasn't sure who's sobs were the harshest. The man who had once told Penny he loved her, or the man who had never had the courage to do the same.

**XXX****XXX**

The rain had long since soaked through to his skin, but still he stood there, looking at the freshly piled earth. A small hand slipped into his and he looked down into devastated brown eyes.

"It's time to go," Amy whispered.

Numbly, Sheldon allowed Amy to lead him back up to the farmhouse. Penny's mom silently handed them a couple of large towels and they walked up to the guest room Sheldon was using. He didn't say anything as Amy helped him out of his wet overcoat and suit jacket. He unbuttoned his dress shirt himself and reached for his belt. Amy turned to leave so he could have some privacy.

"Stay."

She looked back at him with surprise. "What?"

Sheldon looked at her with pleading eyes. "I want you to stay."

Amy's eyes broadcast her pain. "As a substitute?"

Sheldon shook his head. "Stay because I need a friend. Stay because I don't think I can stand to be alone tonight." Sheldon's voice cracked and tears formed in his eyes. "Stay because I hurt so fucking bad."

Tears slid down Amy's cheeks as she walked over to the bed and sat with her back against the headboard. Sheldon kicked off his shoes and crawled up to lay his head on her lap. Amy pulled a thick comforter over his chilled body and rubbed his back soothingly.

It was growing dark when he finally spoke. "I lied," he said softly. "I lied when I said she was only my friend."

"I know," Amy whispered back kindly.

"What do I do without her?" he asked in a child-like tone.

Amy brushed away a tear slipping down her nose. "You keep moving forward. You honor her memory by being exactly what she always said you were. A beautiful mind destined to change the world."

Sheldon was silent for several minutes. "Okay," he finally said in a guileless tone.

**XXX****XXX**

Sheldon looked out over the crowd. He smiled warmly at his friends and family. He took a moment to steady himself and breath calmly. "I don't have a long speech. I don't want to bore you with a long list of my accomplishments, or tell you my life story. Instead, I will just say, this is the second greatest honor I have ever received. My greatest was to meet and become friends with a woman who never doubted my intelligence. She called me a beautiful mind and believed I would one day change the world. The greatest achievement in my life was to know and love Penelope Queen. I miss you every single day, Penny. I hope that you are proud of me."

He stepped away from the podium and reached into his pocket to grasp the Penny-Blossom he had carried everywhere since her death 20 years ago. Warmth spread through him and he smiled. He didn't believe in an after life, per se, but he hoped that somehow, she knew he had succeeded.

* * *

**Additional A/N: Please don't yell at me if I broke your Shenny loving heart. I had to do it! I couldn't let Darkly Dreaming challenge me and not accept! You can see that, right? It isn't my fault! She started it! *runs and hides***


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